newly sober: staying sober at drunk events
over my almost nine months of sobriety, i have been to a couple of drunken events: a wedding, a bachelorette party, a Super Bowl Party, and, of course, i got through Christmas when i was just three days sober. and through each experience, i have learned a few tips and tricks that i think could be helpful for those of us trying to not drink/use.
when i went to my cousin Aly’s wedding in Montana this past July, it took me 26 hours to get there: it was so hot that all planes were grounded due to low visibility. even so, drinking was not an option. while sitting in Newark airport for 7 hours waiting to see if i even could get on a plane, i distracted myself with shiny treats to keep from chugging a crisp cold one. after landing in Minneapolis around 1 am, i found a last minute hotel on the HotelTonight app as i watched a man yell at a desk agent, demanding she fix his hotel-less problem. i woke up in my hotel room, got myself breakfast at Starbucks and some snacks at Trader Joes, then i thought i lost my phone in said Trader Joe’s (but really i had tucked into my skort and didn’t feel it until i bent down to pull out my laptop in front of a poor TJ employee). fear not, i Uber-ed back to the airport and then i sat on the tarmac for another hour, before my final flight took off, and still, i did not want to drink.
i knew that if i did drink or smoke, i wouldn’t make it. and i wanted to make it.
after landing, i got changed and did my make up in the airport bathroom. i showed up to the wedding 30 minutes before the ceremony, my dress strap having popped in the taxi on the way there. and here i am after, hopping off the bus with the wedding party, the last guest to arrive:
but more than anything: i wanted to be there. and that made all of the difference. because if i had still been smoking, if i had gotten drunk at the airport, if i wasn’t sober and active in finding solutions to my problems, i would have just given up the second i heard the flight was delayed and gone home.
but i wanted to see my family, i wanted to show up for my cousin, and i really didn’t want to feel FOMO.
TIPS AND TRICKS FOR STAYING SOBZ
BEFORE THE EVENT:
make sure you actually want to (or have to) go
if you are resistant prior to arrival, it is important to assess why. is your resistance because you’re nervous about drinking or because it will actively trigger you to drink?
do you have to go: is this your brother’s wedding? or your ex’s brother’s wedding? do you need to be there?
if yes, proceed down the list and make a game plan.
if no, don’t go. not going is better than you getting triggered and drinking so much that you puke and shit yourself in the middle of the dance floor. don’t make the night about you: if you can’t not make it about you, then don’t go. if you can’t show up for the person it’s about, then don’t show up at all. send a private note, and carry on with your pursuit of sobriety.
depending on what stage of sobriety you’re in, it’s important to assess whether or not it’s even a good idea for you to be there. for example: i was supposed to go to Mardi Gras 2022. however, after getting sober unexpectedly in December 2021, it wasn’t the best idea for me to go in March 2022— three months sober— so i did not go. i felt sad, of course. but as my dad put it, “It doesn’t feel aligned with the work you’ve been doing.” and god damn, he was right. now, with the power of foresight, i’m very glad i did not go. would have been harder— and less fun— than it was worth. but at the time, it felt like loss. it’s okay to feel loss— but remember, with sobriety, there is so much to gain!
support: you don’t have to go it alone
whether you’re going to the event with a date or solo, make sure that SOMEONE at the event knows that you are sober. it can be a bartender, a cousin, a friend. your date. your mom— someone, anyone. i know, that for many people, sobriety is a private thing. but i think it’s wise to have a buddy who can make sure you are hanging in, not on the verge of relapse, or can take a break with you when you need one: you don’t have to go it alone. it will work to your advantage to have someone who you can talk to/can check in on you, even if it feels a little embarrassing. you need someone in your corner/on your team.
if you have a sponsor or a sober network, don’t be afraid to schedule calls with them throughout the event. before and after. during. whatever you think you need. or, just notify them: may be calling!!!! or fuck it, just call everyone until someone picks up if it gets bad enough!
if you go to meetings, go to a meeting! go to one before, virtual or in person. GET YO MEETIN’ IN, NO MATTER WHAT!
pave the road there with tiny treats
car ride:
give yourself assignments/responsibilities
if you are able to drive to and from the wedding, this gives you another reason to stay sober— can’t drive home drunk! especially if you are driving other people! can’t put their lives at risk!!! create tiny responsibilities for yourself that keep you sober and in service to those around you.
keep snacks or candy or gum in your car— something that feels special to you! water bottles will keep you and the drunk people you’re carting around hydrated!
play music you like, bring soothing items, give yourself what you need.
airports:
if i were to relapse, it would be with a hefeweizen in a pint glass waiting for a flight— i’m not going to. i’m just saying, if i did, that’d be it. when my flight was delayed, and i was trapped in Newark, BEER flashed in front of my eyes and i thought: that’d be nice. but instead, i went to a luxury goods consortium and bought a couple Mac Lipsticks and Le Labo perfume in Vetiver in the biggest size because they were out of the travel size but i said FUCK IT because i needed to do something to fire off dopamine and feel alive. plus, i smelled so fuckin good alllll weekend.
give yourself a splurge budget: you’d pay a shit ton to get drunk. don’t be afraid to pay a shit ton to stay sober.
do whatever you need to do to stay sober
DURING THE EVENT:
always have a can/drink in your hand
NEVER go empty handed. the more occupied your hand is, the less people will offer you alcohol. plus, you’ll blend riiiiight in.
if you are at a normie wedding, chances are you are going to be holding warm cans of Diet Coke or Seltzer— true, it’s better than nothing. but if you are able to bring your own drinks to dunk in an ice cooler, bring your faves. no matter what— water bottle or sprite in a plastic cup san ice— keep your hand occupied.
DON’T HOLD OTHER PEOPLE’S DRINKS— ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE ALCOHOLIC
NOT WORTH THE RISK. your brain and body are trained to drink, so don’t even hold it. body memory can take over— don’t test it.
EAT— DON’T GO HUNGRY
tiny appetizers, snacks in your purse, dinner— make sure you aren’t hungry. you don’t get to play much drink wise— subjected to whatever they are mixing with— so let yourself FEAST. better to over-eat than get blotto-ed if you are trying not to get blotto-ed. EAT THE CAKE. EAT THE RISOTTO BALLS. MAKE SURE U DON’T GET HANGRY OR U MIGHT MELT DOWN
HALT: Hungry; Angry; Lonely; Tired. If you feel off, it’s usually one of them things.
take breaks when/if you need them
go to the bathroom. sit on the toilet and scroll on your phone. walk around aimlessly. call a friend. sit at a table. listen to your body and your social limits. take breaks— don’t push yourself. you don’t have the social lubricant that everyone else has, so listen to yourself.
be yourself <3
you never know who you’ll meet. it is by showing up as ourselves that we learn that we CAN show up as ourselves. turns out, we pretty dang cool.
leave when you’re ready; leave before it gets too messy
fortunately, you’re going to remember everything.
unfortunately, you’re going to remember everything.
leave before things gets weird. you can feel when the tide changes— around hour 3-5 of drinking. leave just before it stops being fun. you’re not missing out, i promise. ask the folks what happened the next day? they will be hungover and prob won’t remember. scoot your boot when you feel like it’s time— when someone gets too close to your face while trying to talk. you’re not being rude, you’re being self-protective.
THE BIGGEST SECRET OF ALL?
everyone assumes you’re drunk.
even when you’re stone-cold sober: give yourself license to act exactly as you please.
this could mean sitting at a table and talking to all of the grandparents, stalking the perimeter of the party with someone you just met, or playing video games with the teen boy who can’t socialize for more than fourteen minutes because he’s only been socialized to stare at screens since he was born, and you have too. you do you, boo.
for me, i love to dance, so i was the first person on the dance floor. i was dancing so hard that my dress strap popped again— the safety pins that the wedding planner gave me a fistful of— popped and stabbed me in the back.
but i didn’t care: i danced my face off.
as people were diving into the bar, taking shot after shot, (of which i was offered many, but easily refused each and every one) i was dancing and dancing and dancing. so much so that my cousin’s mom came up to me, wrapped her arms around me, and exclaimed, “YOU CAN DANCE!”
my challenging journey there made me deeply appreciative of the fact that i had made it there at all. throughout the wedding, numerous people were coming up and telling me that i was “the most fun girl at this party”. and sure, external validation is fine. but i wasn’t doing it to be popular— in fact, i didn’t really want to talk much at all. really i was just dancing so hard that when i dropped it low, i peed a little— not because i was drunk but because i was going all out, which i haven’t done since i was seventeen doing half-time dances at football games.
by the end of the night, everyone on the dance floor had taken turns trying to pin my dress strap back together, even though all of the safety pins inevitably snapped open and stabbed me in the back (*bitches*).
but truth be told, my long journey snapped me into a sense of presence and not-giving-a-fuck-ness that actually taught me a lot. i was just thankful to be in Montana, staring up at the open sky, listening to a shitty DJ play horrible songs while dancing in cowboy boots. i was so thankful to be present at all, and that kept me from thinking too hard about anything else.
you don’t have to get drunk to have fun.
authenticity, in a sea of drunk people, is note-worthy.
but most importantly:
! the event you’re attending is most likely not about you !
show up for the people you love in the best way you can: sober. it’s your job to make sure you stay sober so that the day can be about them, not about you getting drunk and fucking a cousin.
however, as long as you’re sober and the cousin is not related to you by blood…
it’s fine <3
